Feelings

It has been so long since I have posted!  Not much has changed since my last post. Still no baby... Which leads me to this post.  I am struggling with many different emotions.

1. Left out--- I realize that we do not have children. However, I feel like we are left out of plans that are made by our couple friends who have children.  Do we not like to have fun anymore? Or do they assume that our every waking moment is spent trying to conceive? It is very frustrating!!!! I know that choosing a couple that has children can help to keep yours entertained, but I don't see why you should leave out a couple without children.

2. Adoption--- this has become a topic of discussion in our house.  I am more than ready to become a mom. If God did not plan on me having one biologically, then I feel like I am being led in that direction.  I do wonder if people will treat us differently if we adopt, since some already treat us differently since we don't have any children yet.

3. Faith--- I still struggle with this one everyday. Why can't we have a baby? There are all kinds of people in this world that have children everyday. Many of them do not care about 
their children, abuse them, do not try to educate them, or have no clue how to be a parent. That has been one of my biggest struggles!

Surgery #2

As many of you know, I had surgery yesterday. So, let me give you some details about what happened. First of all, I want to take a minute to truly praise my doctor, who postponed his 8 week trip to Honduras to take care of a few of his patients (including me!). So, the main purpose of the surgery was to remove a cyst on my right ovary that did not go away on its own after taking 21 days of medication. While he was in there, he checked my tubes again, removed scar tissue, and performed ovarian drilling. While he was drilling, he found a dermoid tumor in one of my ovaries. So, he had to cut my ovary in half, but he was able to save my ovary. So, the cyst that was the main purpose of the surgery truly was a blessing in disguise! Right now, I feel like I have been cut in half and sown back together. I do not remember being this sore last time. I'm hoping that in a few more days that the pain has subsided. So, that is the update on me. I haven't posted in a while and felt like I needed to. Thanks to everyone for the prayers, phone calls, texts, and visits! I feel very loved! We are hoping for a little miracle after all of this is over. Keep those prayers coming because we know that prayer changes things!

Ultrasound #2

Today was ultrasound #2, and it was the first time I have taken 200 mg of clomid! Since taking the medicine, I have had weird and vivid dreams, more so than usual on previous rounds with lower doses. I have also felt like an oversized hippo! So, I went into the ultrasound thinking if these symptoms are any indication then the medicine must be working. So....drumroll please... There were 4 eggs this time! Two of the eggs measured almost 1 cm. He wants them to be 2 cm. So, I go in on Thursday for another ultrasound because he thinks that they will grow. He said there is a good possibility that I will get the hormone shot (we have been waiting on) on Thursday. I am so excited and hopeful at the same time! I just hope that these puppies keep growing. Since there are 4, he said that we would have that conversation at a later time. Mom's face was funny at the mention of twins, but it was even better when he said QUADS! All I know is that I will take whatever God blesses us with! Keep the prayers coming that I will get good news again tomorrow.

Purpose

It has become apparent that people really do say the dumbest things. I recently heard that someone told a friend of mine that "If they couldn't have kids, then they would rather die." You can imagine how that made me feel. Well, I have stewed over this until I could find the right words to say.

1. I sure am glad that this was not said in front of me. I know that the McDaniel temper would have surely come out.

2. My purpose in life is not based on my ability or lack there of to have a baby. Is it important to me, YES! Otherwise, I would not put my body through the mood altering medication that I take every month. However, I do not want to be one of those people who loses their identity because they are so absorbed in their children. Don't get me wrong, I will hopefully one day spoil my children and do everything I can for them, but I am still a person with my own needs, wants, and vices.

I also do not want to be one of those people who no one wants to talk to because all they talk about are their kids! I know a few of those, and it is very annoying.

3. God made me special, no matter what. If for some reason, he does not want me to have children, then i am in the right profession. I have taken care of and helped to raise and instill proper behavior in 14 children this year.

4. Last but not least, be careful what you say because you have NO idea what cards you could be dealt! I had every intention of having at least one child before I was 30. Guess what... I have been 30 since October. I have been going to the doctor since I was 16. No one ever told me I would have trouble getting pregnant or would not be able to have kids. At the age of 29, I was told that I have PCOS. It took that long for someone to see what was going on.

Lesson for the day: Watch what you say because you might find yourself pulling your foot out of your mouth!

Crazy Week But One With Progress

This week has been a crazy one! On our first day back from our long weekend from school, I had the last of my observations on Tuesday (thank goodness that's over!). Then on Wednesday I had my Day 13 follicle ultrasound.  The results: I had two follicles that measured 0.72 cm. My doc wants them to measure 2.0 cm before he will give me a Pregnyl shot to release them. He also told me that he found a mass on my right ovary.  However, we think that this is the same thing that they found a year ago during my laproscopy.  It turned out to be calcium deposits. (Prayers & plenty of finger-crossing that it is nothing new, please!) So our plan of attack will be to increase the clomid to 200 mg and monitor. If the follicles do not grow to size, then he will increase to 250 mg with more monitoring. If nothing happens then, he will do ovarian drilling which will require another laproscopy. He was very positive about the follicles that I had and said that was how we get twins. (You should have seen the look on my mom's face!) Thanks to everyone who has kept us in your prayers. I had a friend tell me this week that she fasted for me, prays for me daily, and has her children pray for me at night. I am very touched by the outpouring of support that I have received from our friends.I hope to one day teach our children the same kind of love and compassion.

Here We Go!

After waiting for a LONG time for this cycle to start, today was the day. So, I have called my doctor and set up the next part of our plan. We start clomid (round #6) on Valentine's Day. I'm hoping that is a good sign. Our day 13 ultrasound will be on Feb. 22. We need LOTS of prayers that there will be viable follicles when they do the ultrasound. If so, they will give me a pregnyl shot which will make me ovulate within 24-48 hours. Keeping my fingers crossed that this is it!

Yes, I Do Matter...and...The Man With A Plan

So, this was somewhat of an eventful week for us. I have been anxiously awaiting the doctors appointment that I had on Wednesday. First, let me explain why. This was our second round of clomid while seeing Dr. Wilson. He also has me taking prometrium. I take prometrium for 14 days, and then if I'm not pregnant, my cycle will start. Here is where the anxiousness comes to play. I never started! So, of course, we got our hopes up. I took a pregnancy test, but it was negative. I called the doctor, and asked for a blood test because I had been dizzy and lightheaded a couple of times. So, the appointment was set up. I got there 15 minutes early simply because I liked to be early. When I checked in, the receptionist told me that the doctor had to leave for emergency surgery, and he would be back by 4:00. So...wait again! There were 7 people in front of me, so I had to wait for a LONG time! My appointment was at 3:30 and I left around 6:00. Anyways, the whole time I was there I felt like they didn't treat me like I was there for a pregnancy test. Everything just didn't seem right. He wanted to talk about what to do next, so that made me believe that no one really thought I was pregnant. He ordered blood work. So, I went to the lab. Everyone else in the clinic had already left. The lady who drew my blood couldn't find the needles, gloves, or tourneqet (not sure about spelling). By the time all this was over, all I wanted to do was burst into tears. So...wait some more. They told me the results would be in tomorrow, and they would call. Here is where "yes, I matter" comes from. They never called. I had to call them. The person who answered the phone (not even a nurse) told me that I was not pregnant. She then told me that the nurse would call me shortly. Did she? No. She finally got around to calling me the next day. I want everyone to know that even though I am not pregnant nor do I have any kids, that YES, I do matter! It also does not make me any less important.

Now...for the man with a plan! My doctor wants me to take clomid and all my other medicines again, however, this time I will be monitored. On day 13, I go in for an ultrasound and then a pregnyl shot (another fertility drug). We now have a plan! Hallelujah!

I keep trying to remind myself that I have to wait for His timing! And I hope that he has put this doctor in my path to help him work a miracle. I'm not the most patient person, and I like to be in control. This takes both of those things away from me. So, those were the events from my week.