Feelings

It has been so long since I have posted!  Not much has changed since my last post. Still no baby... Which leads me to this post.  I am struggling with many different emotions.

1. Left out--- I realize that we do not have children. However, I feel like we are left out of plans that are made by our couple friends who have children.  Do we not like to have fun anymore? Or do they assume that our every waking moment is spent trying to conceive? It is very frustrating!!!! I know that choosing a couple that has children can help to keep yours entertained, but I don't see why you should leave out a couple without children.

2. Adoption--- this has become a topic of discussion in our house.  I am more than ready to become a mom. If God did not plan on me having one biologically, then I feel like I am being led in that direction.  I do wonder if people will treat us differently if we adopt, since some already treat us differently since we don't have any children yet.

3. Faith--- I still struggle with this one everyday. Why can't we have a baby? There are all kinds of people in this world that have children everyday. Many of them do not care about 
their children, abuse them, do not try to educate them, or have no clue how to be a parent. That has been one of my biggest struggles!

Surgery #2

As many of you know, I had surgery yesterday. So, let me give you some details about what happened. First of all, I want to take a minute to truly praise my doctor, who postponed his 8 week trip to Honduras to take care of a few of his patients (including me!). So, the main purpose of the surgery was to remove a cyst on my right ovary that did not go away on its own after taking 21 days of medication. While he was in there, he checked my tubes again, removed scar tissue, and performed ovarian drilling. While he was drilling, he found a dermoid tumor in one of my ovaries. So, he had to cut my ovary in half, but he was able to save my ovary. So, the cyst that was the main purpose of the surgery truly was a blessing in disguise! Right now, I feel like I have been cut in half and sown back together. I do not remember being this sore last time. I'm hoping that in a few more days that the pain has subsided. So, that is the update on me. I haven't posted in a while and felt like I needed to. Thanks to everyone for the prayers, phone calls, texts, and visits! I feel very loved! We are hoping for a little miracle after all of this is over. Keep those prayers coming because we know that prayer changes things!

Ultrasound #2

Today was ultrasound #2, and it was the first time I have taken 200 mg of clomid! Since taking the medicine, I have had weird and vivid dreams, more so than usual on previous rounds with lower doses. I have also felt like an oversized hippo! So, I went into the ultrasound thinking if these symptoms are any indication then the medicine must be working. So....drumroll please... There were 4 eggs this time! Two of the eggs measured almost 1 cm. He wants them to be 2 cm. So, I go in on Thursday for another ultrasound because he thinks that they will grow. He said there is a good possibility that I will get the hormone shot (we have been waiting on) on Thursday. I am so excited and hopeful at the same time! I just hope that these puppies keep growing. Since there are 4, he said that we would have that conversation at a later time. Mom's face was funny at the mention of twins, but it was even better when he said QUADS! All I know is that I will take whatever God blesses us with! Keep the prayers coming that I will get good news again tomorrow.

Purpose

It has become apparent that people really do say the dumbest things. I recently heard that someone told a friend of mine that "If they couldn't have kids, then they would rather die." You can imagine how that made me feel. Well, I have stewed over this until I could find the right words to say.

1. I sure am glad that this was not said in front of me. I know that the McDaniel temper would have surely come out.

2. My purpose in life is not based on my ability or lack there of to have a baby. Is it important to me, YES! Otherwise, I would not put my body through the mood altering medication that I take every month. However, I do not want to be one of those people who loses their identity because they are so absorbed in their children. Don't get me wrong, I will hopefully one day spoil my children and do everything I can for them, but I am still a person with my own needs, wants, and vices.

I also do not want to be one of those people who no one wants to talk to because all they talk about are their kids! I know a few of those, and it is very annoying.

3. God made me special, no matter what. If for some reason, he does not want me to have children, then i am in the right profession. I have taken care of and helped to raise and instill proper behavior in 14 children this year.

4. Last but not least, be careful what you say because you have NO idea what cards you could be dealt! I had every intention of having at least one child before I was 30. Guess what... I have been 30 since October. I have been going to the doctor since I was 16. No one ever told me I would have trouble getting pregnant or would not be able to have kids. At the age of 29, I was told that I have PCOS. It took that long for someone to see what was going on.

Lesson for the day: Watch what you say because you might find yourself pulling your foot out of your mouth!

Crazy Week But One With Progress

This week has been a crazy one! On our first day back from our long weekend from school, I had the last of my observations on Tuesday (thank goodness that's over!). Then on Wednesday I had my Day 13 follicle ultrasound.  The results: I had two follicles that measured 0.72 cm. My doc wants them to measure 2.0 cm before he will give me a Pregnyl shot to release them. He also told me that he found a mass on my right ovary.  However, we think that this is the same thing that they found a year ago during my laproscopy.  It turned out to be calcium deposits. (Prayers & plenty of finger-crossing that it is nothing new, please!) So our plan of attack will be to increase the clomid to 200 mg and monitor. If the follicles do not grow to size, then he will increase to 250 mg with more monitoring. If nothing happens then, he will do ovarian drilling which will require another laproscopy. He was very positive about the follicles that I had and said that was how we get twins. (You should have seen the look on my mom's face!) Thanks to everyone who has kept us in your prayers. I had a friend tell me this week that she fasted for me, prays for me daily, and has her children pray for me at night. I am very touched by the outpouring of support that I have received from our friends.I hope to one day teach our children the same kind of love and compassion.

Here We Go!

After waiting for a LONG time for this cycle to start, today was the day. So, I have called my doctor and set up the next part of our plan. We start clomid (round #6) on Valentine's Day. I'm hoping that is a good sign. Our day 13 ultrasound will be on Feb. 22. We need LOTS of prayers that there will be viable follicles when they do the ultrasound. If so, they will give me a pregnyl shot which will make me ovulate within 24-48 hours. Keeping my fingers crossed that this is it!

Yes, I Do Matter...and...The Man With A Plan

So, this was somewhat of an eventful week for us. I have been anxiously awaiting the doctors appointment that I had on Wednesday. First, let me explain why. This was our second round of clomid while seeing Dr. Wilson. He also has me taking prometrium. I take prometrium for 14 days, and then if I'm not pregnant, my cycle will start. Here is where the anxiousness comes to play. I never started! So, of course, we got our hopes up. I took a pregnancy test, but it was negative. I called the doctor, and asked for a blood test because I had been dizzy and lightheaded a couple of times. So, the appointment was set up. I got there 15 minutes early simply because I liked to be early. When I checked in, the receptionist told me that the doctor had to leave for emergency surgery, and he would be back by 4:00. So...wait again! There were 7 people in front of me, so I had to wait for a LONG time! My appointment was at 3:30 and I left around 6:00. Anyways, the whole time I was there I felt like they didn't treat me like I was there for a pregnancy test. Everything just didn't seem right. He wanted to talk about what to do next, so that made me believe that no one really thought I was pregnant. He ordered blood work. So, I went to the lab. Everyone else in the clinic had already left. The lady who drew my blood couldn't find the needles, gloves, or tourneqet (not sure about spelling). By the time all this was over, all I wanted to do was burst into tears. So...wait some more. They told me the results would be in tomorrow, and they would call. Here is where "yes, I matter" comes from. They never called. I had to call them. The person who answered the phone (not even a nurse) told me that I was not pregnant. She then told me that the nurse would call me shortly. Did she? No. She finally got around to calling me the next day. I want everyone to know that even though I am not pregnant nor do I have any kids, that YES, I do matter! It also does not make me any less important.

Now...for the man with a plan! My doctor wants me to take clomid and all my other medicines again, however, this time I will be monitored. On day 13, I go in for an ultrasound and then a pregnyl shot (another fertility drug). We now have a plan! Hallelujah!

I keep trying to remind myself that I have to wait for His timing! And I hope that he has put this doctor in my path to help him work a miracle. I'm not the most patient person, and I like to be in control. This takes both of those things away from me. So, those were the events from my week.

Inspirational Story

A friend that I work with who has experienced the same type of emotional roller coaster that we have sent me an email the other day.  She sent a link to a truly amazing story that I thought was too inspirational not to share.
http://todayhealth.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/01/19/10191182-miracle-baby-born-from-single-frozen-sperm

Asking Questions Does Pay Off

So, we found out some good news this week. I called my doctor to ask if he still wanted me to continue my last month of medicine since I know it is not working. The nurse told me this is just part of his checklist to eliminate all possibilities. Then, we would reevaluate. So my question was, "What else can he do for us, or do we need to go to Nashville to a specialist?" So, here is the good part... The nurse said that they do different Meds, ultrasounds to monitor progress, injections, and IUI in the office!! This was great news for us since we were already thinking this was the route that we were going to take. Now, I just have to drive to Jackson instead of Nashville. My next appointment is in March, and hopefully the ball will start rolling then!

A Little Background

I consider myself somewhat of a medical oddity! At the age of 5, I was diagnosed with a rare kidney disease (which I can neither spell nor say correctly). So, I spent a good amount of time traveling back and forth to Memphis so that I could be studied at LeBonheur. At the age of 16 (after two years of VERY irregular cycles---basically nonexistant), my doctor discovered I had a tennis ball size cyst on an ovary. So, the pill was the natural prescription to solve this problem. I stayed on the pill up until 3 years ago when we decided we wanted to have a baby. Needless to say, things did not happen the way you would expect After a year of trying, my doctor (a new one from the one previously mentioned) decided to try out our first round of fertility medicine, Clomid. I don't know if you have ever been around anyone on these Meds or not, but you definitely don't want to be around me! Apparently, it has lots of hormones that I don't usually have running through my body.

Doctors will only give you 6 months of this medicine at a time because it is supposed to increase the risk of getting ovarian cancer. I didn't make it that far. After 3 rounds, I was monitored and my doctor discovered another large cyst. So, she wanted to do a laproscopy. The surgeon did not do all the tests that he was supposed to do because my ovaries looked unusual to him. He thought I had cancer,so I had to stop my other cycles of Meds. The test results came back and it was calcium deposits! Have you ever heard of such?? In the meantime, I went to an endocrinologist (because my doctor also thought I had thyroid problems). I was then told that I was pre diabetic and put on yet another medicine.

At the endocrinologist, a nurse mentioned a doctor in Jackson that specializes in infertility. So, I quickly made an appointment. He diagnosed me with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). He prescribed even more Meds, and I began another round of the max dosage of clomid.

Whew......I think I got it all in. I realize that I am extremely lucky because there are plenty of people going through much worse things than I am. However, I do consider this a horrible thing. I have wanted to be a mommy for a long time. It is extremely difficult when you look around and see so many people who have children and don't take care of them!

People always tell me that it will happen when it happens. NO, it will not! Not for me! If we are going to have a baby, we are going to have to have some medical intervention. I have to keep remembering that faith in God means faith in his timing. He will put the right doctor in my path who will know exactly what to do (hopefully I have found that doctor)!

Please keep us in your prayers. I guess that is enough venting for today. See you next week.